


you're not gonna lose me (i'm not gonna lose you)

by Eirwyn



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Sickfic, spoilers for Episode 68 onwards
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-24
Updated: 2016-11-24
Packaged: 2018-09-02 00:08:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,895
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8643520
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Eirwyn/pseuds/Eirwyn
Summary: Gilmore couldn’t remember how he got to this strange dark place, or how long he had been there, just that he was floating, loose and limp, with nothing but darkness surrounding him. It would frighten him, except there was nothing about it that was frightening. It was calm and quiet, soothing in a strange sort of way, and he was so tired.

Maintaining the barrier over Whitestone is vitally important work and Gilmore is happy to do it. If only it was easier to do....





	

**Author's Note:**

> And this is the second of my Critrole Bang fics. This one, as you can see, I played true to form and wrote a Vaxmore fic. I swear I'm not trying to corner the market or anything, I just really love these characters a lot. So much, in fact, that I decided to double my workload and write two fics.
> 
> The art for this fic was done by the incredible justeight, whose tumblr is linked [here](http://justeight.tumblr.com/). Please check it out. The rough sketch genuinely made me cry when I first saw it, trust me when I say the finished product is ten times as good.

Gilmore couldn’t remember how he got to this strange dark place, or how long he had been there, just that he was floating, loose and limp, with nothing but darkness surrounding him. It would frighten him, except there was nothing about it that was frightening. It was calm and quiet, soothing in a strange sort of way, and he was so tired. So, so tired, so why shouldn’t he stay here in this darkness, this never-changing, never-ending blackness? It was so peaceful, drifting and not having to think or focus on anything other than how light and free and warm his body felt. 

There was only one thing wrong with the whole situation, and that was the… sensations Gilmore kept feeling, at random times. Sometimes it was his hands, being gripped with various levels of strength and sometimes something soft was brushed across the back of his hand. Whatever was holding his hands changed occasionally, but it still swapped between the same two or three things, and one was more consistent than the others. Sometimes he could feel his hair being stroked, some amorphous person’s fingers threading through the length of his thick black hair. Often accompanied by that feeling were the same soft brushes that happened on his hands happening on his face.

The strangest sensation that kept happening, however, was the feeling of little drops of water falling on his skin. It could happen any time, sometimes accompanied by these other sensations, sometimes not, but it always unsettled Gilmore in a way that he had thought impossible in this dark place. He wanted to hate it, but he couldn’t. It tickled at thoughts that had so far remained dormant in the back of his head.

Time was completely relative down here in the dark, but Gilmore was pretty sure it hadn’t been longer than a couple of days (which should worry him, but everything like that floated away down here) when the sensations he’d been feeling changed. It had all been about touch, but now his ears seemed to start working again. He started to hear snippets of things going on around him. It started off by being the gentle background noises of someone moving around the room, the thuds of the window being opened and closed, the clink of cutlery on plates, footsteps pacing back and forth, sometimes more than one set of footsteps.

But as time, strangely removed as it was, moved on, Gilmore started to hear voices around him, overhearing parts of their conversations. There were two voices that were the most common, a male and a female voice. The female sounded competent and clever, highly organised from what Gilmore could hear, but the worry was apparent in every word that came out of her mouth. The name _Sherri_ kept floating through his brain, accompanied by a great feeling of fondness and gratefulness. The male spoke less, but every response came with the weight of someone who had considered all his options before he spoke. He was always close to Gilmore, it seemed, every time Gilmore happened to hear things, it was always with him in the conversation. 

The name that floated through Gilmore’s mind for him varied. _Vax_ and _Vax’ildan_ floated through semi-regularly, but the one that took Gilmore by surprise the first time it slid across his thoughts was simply _darling_. It perhaps shouldn’t have taken him by surprise as much as it had, given the feelings that always came with hearing that voice, such heights of passion and worry in equal measures that could only mean love. Gilmore loved this man, loved him so much it made him the centre of Gilmore’s world.

He heard other voices, almost always addressing Vax. He heard another female voice saying, “Come on, brother, you haven’t stepped outside this room for days. You need to be healthy too,” and the name that came to him was _Vex’ahlia_.

A few beats later, minutes or days, Gilmore couldn’t tell, he heard yet another voice, followed by a wave of warmth rushing through his body. “There’s nothing more I can do, Vax. He’s physically fine, just exhausted. Give him one more day, and if he doesn’t wake up on his own, I’ll try a Restoration.”

The name that drifted into his brain this time was _Pike_ , shortly followed by Vax saying it out loud. “Thank you, Pike. I’m sorry I’m being so difficult.”

He could hear footsteps and Pike’s voice was a little further away as she replied, “You don’t need to apologise, Vax. The man you love is sick, has been so for days and you’re worried out of your mind. I’d be more concerned if you _weren’t_ being difficult.”

Vax started to reply, but that was when Gilmore’s senses faded again, leaving him back down in the darkness where he had begun. It was almost a relief, those few moments of knowing and comprehending his surroundings already exhausting him, but somehow now it wasn’t as relaxing as it had been.

Again, with no idea how much time had passed, Gilmore came back to awareness hearing Vax’s voice fill the room. He was wondering who, exactly, Vax was talking to, but a few seconds of listening to Vax quickly cleared that up. Vax was talking to _him_.

“Pike says you can probably hear me some of the time. As if she thought I hadn’t been talking to you the entire time you’ve been there.” Gilmore could hear footsteps and the rustling of fabric, as Vax moved around the room, the tone of his voice suggesting this was something he was comfortable with, something he had done before. “She’s going to try a Restoration on you tomorrow. Vex wants to be here in case it doesn’t work. I don’t know what she thinks I’ll do, but I won’t turn down her support.”

The sound of footsteps again, and Gilmore felt the bed dip next to him and a touch on his hand, Vax’s voice sounding much closer when he spoke again. “I think that Vex and Percival have actually talked to each other now. She’s been more natural around him recently. Trust them to sort it out whilst fighting a dragon.”

Gilmore heard Vax sigh and fall silent for a bit, the only thing Gilmore was now aware of was the touch on his hand, the feeling of a thumb running back and forth across his knuckles, before Vax said, his voice a little quieter and strained. “See, this is why you need to wake up. You’re missing all this gossip, and who else can I talk to about it?”

Gilmore felt a sudden weight on his chest, and a quiet whisper, barely a noise but filled with pain. “Please wake up, Shaun. Please. I need you with me.”

Gilmore felt his heart twist in his chest, and now, as the darkness came back to swallow him whole again, he found that the appeal of it had gone completely, and for the first time, he fought back against going back to that blank, empty blackness. Some part of that tension must have become obvious in his body, because Gilmore felt the weight on his chest vanish and Vax’s voice, warring between hope and fear, asking. “Gil?”

Finally, slowly, carefully, Gilmore opened his eyes to a blurred image of pale skin and long dark hair. He blinked a couple of times and that blurred image coalesced into Vax, teeth worrying his lower lip, hazel eyes bright with unshed tears as he gazed down at Gilmore, face drawn and pale with evidence of long sleepless nights.

Gilmore took a breath and used all his strength to croak out a single word. “ _Darling_.”

The tears spilled over then and Vax leaned forward, hugging Gilmore as much as he could whilst Gilmore was still lying down, his face tucked into the side of Gilmore’s neck, where he could feel the warm tears on his skin. He managed to move his arms enough to get his hands on Vax’s back, though not able to apply any pressure and held his body close, breathing him in and thanking any God that would listen that he had this man by his side.

Vax pulled back and sat up, wiping furiously at his eyes before gripping both of Gilmore’s hands tightly and leaning in to kiss his forehead. They smiled at each other for a few beats, before Vax suddenly jumped up and brought over a cup of water, carefully lifting Gilmore’s head and letting him drink, small sips of cool sweet water. 

After Vax laid Gilmore back down, Gilmore reached out a hand again, and smiled as it was immediately taken. “I missed you.”

Tears filled Vax’s eyes again as he replied. “I missed you as well. Please never do this again.”

Gilmore could already feel his eyes sliding closed as he murmured. “If I can at all help it, darling, I promise.”

****

When Gilmore next woke up, the sun was high in the sky and streaming through a crack the curtains that were pulled across the window. He turned his head, seeking Vax, and saw him over by the door to the bedroom, talking to two familiar figures, one short and blonde, the other taller and dark. Gilmore opened his mouth to call Vax, to tell him to let their guests in, but before he could, Vax turned back from the door, and as he saw Gilmore was awake, literally bolted across the room to get to Gilmore’s side and help him to sit upright. As Vax darted across the room, the two women followed more slowly behind him and Gilmore smiled at them as they reached his bedside.

“Hello, Vex’ahlia. Hello, Pike.”

They both hugged him, one right after the other. They could have hugged him at the same time, except that Vax was sitting on the edge of the bed, holding Gilmore’s hand again, and they couldn’t both get to Gilmore at the same time. Pike hopped onto the bed along with Vax and Vex settled into a chair nearby, smiling benevolently at the scene in front of her.

There was a pause, half a beat of silence before Gilmore said. “So, Vex’ahlia. You and Percival? How’s that going?”

Pike and Vax both burst into laughter as Vex blushed bright red before leaning forward to whack her brother on the arm and exclaim. “Have you got nothing better to do than to gossip about me and Percy!”

Still laughing, Vax defended himself. “I haven’t said a word to Shaun. You’re just that obvious, sister!”

Pike and Vax carried on laughing, but Gilmore’s smile faded as he thought back to when he had woken up, and found himself saying something without consciously thinking about it. “You did say something. I heard you, before I woke up.”

The laughter abruptly stopped and Vax’s face looked like it didn't know whether to smile or cry at the news, and the hand that was holding Gilmore’s tightened as Vax asked. “You heard me?”

Gilmore nodded slowly, thinking hard. “I think so. You asked me to wake up.”

“Do you remember anything else?” Pike asked gently, clearly trying not to interrupt a moment but needing to know.

Gilmore didn't have to think for long before he could answer. “No, nothing. Honestly, I’m a bit confused as to how I got here in the first place.”

“You fainted.” Pike replied. “We got back from killing Vorugal and Sherri came running for Vax and I. She couldn't wake you. That was three days ago. This is the morning of the fourth.”

Gilmore looked at Vax and asked. “Three days?” At Vax's tight nod in reply, Gilmore leaned his head on Vax's shoulder and said. “I’m sorry, darling.”

Vax didn't reply, but Gilmore felt an arm go around his waist and hold on, and knew that Vax had accepted the apology for what it had meant to be.

After a few beats of silence, Pike continued. “I looked you over and saw that you were both physically and magically exhausted, which had caused you to collapse. I thought that you would recover on your own, but at Vax's request, I was here this morning to attempt a Restoration.”

She dropped the semi-formal tone she’d used to explain what exactly had happened and grinned at him. “I’m pleased I didn't have to use the Restoration, Gilmore. Welcome back.”

****

It wasn't until the evening that Gilmore actually got to talk to Vax. Pike had insisted on bed rest for the rest of the day, but had said that if he felt strong enough, he could try getting up tomorrow. After she and Vex had departed, there had been a steady stream of visitors wanting to see Gilmore and wish him well. At one point, Gilmore glanced over at Vax and saw how tight his face had gone, so he started to feign tiredness and soon, they were alone.

Vax had been hovering the entire time, regardless of visitors, but after they had stopped for the day, Gilmore saw to what extent Vax had dug in when he realised that Gilmore was not going to be waking up anytime soon. He navigated the house with a lot more ease. Despite their relationship, Vax was not overly familiar with Gilmore’s new abode, for reasons that mainly boiled down to him being away a lot, and when he was in Whitestone and with Gilmore, they… didn’t really leave the bedroom very much.

Vax also hadn’t stopped moving since Gilmore woke up, and so the first time Gilmore had a chance to really look at him was when Vax brought him a plate of food for dinner, refusing to let him get up and sit at a table to eat it, instead placing the plate on his lap and sitting on the bed to make sure Gilmore couldn’t move. Close up, Vax looked, well, frankly quite awful. He was the palest Gilmore had ever seen him, not helped by how dark the circles under his eyes were. He shifted uncomfortable on the bed, and Gilmore could see the telltale ridges of bandages under his clothes.

Eating with one hand, Gilmore reached out the other and laid it on Vax’s knee, bent up on the bed, as he asked. “Are you alright, Vax’ildan?”

Vax nodded, but didn’t make eye contact as he replied. “Fine now you are.”

“Really? Because you’re not eating and darling, I mean no offense when I say you look like you could do with a long bath and a longer sleep.”

There was a frozen moment of time, before Vax huffed a laugh and ran a hand over his face and replied. “That’s probably fair. Like Pike said, we got back to Whitestone after killing Vorugal in Draconia and Sherri came for us almost immediately. I haven’t thought about doing anything else but looking after you. The not-eating thing was an accident, I swear. I just got… very focused.”

Gilmore sighed, but there was a fond smile on his face as he mockingly pushed at Vax and said. “Well, go and get some food then.”

Gilmore had expected Vax to roll his eyes a bit, but not really fight him on this, so he was surprised when Vax’s face shuttered, falling still and blank and he immediately shook his head no. Gilmore paused for a few beats, before setting his plate to one side and reaching over to hold both of Vax’s hands as he said. “Darling, I promise I will be here when you get back.”

Vax’s face crumpled and he nodded, clearly not trusting his voice and got up from the bed, not letting go of Gilmore’s hand until he absolutely had to. He was back within minutes, and Gilmore could tell, despite Vax’s best efforts to control his expression, that he had half expected to walk in to Gilmore unconscious again. They ate together, hip to hip and free hands tangled together, both of them taking comfort in that contact.

After the food had been eaten and cleared away, just to a table across the room as Vax was clearly still unwilling to let Gilmore out of his sight, Gilmore shifted and folded back a corner of the sheets as he said. “Come and rest, Vax. You need to.”

Vax stripped down, extinguished all lights but one softly glowing candle and climbed in beside him, settling down with his head resting on Gilmore’s shoulder and an arm across his waist. Gilmore wrapped his arms around Vax’s shoulder and held him close, pressing his nose to the crown of Vax’s head and breathing him in. He had missed him. 

There was silence for quite a while, and Gilmore thought that Vax had fallen asleep, judging by the slow, deep breaths he could feel across his collarbone, until Vax murmured. “Sherri and I were talking whilst you were asleep. She said that you were working with the refugees a lot recently.”

Gilmore nodded, knowing that Vax would feel it, and said. “Well, I’ve rather landed on my feet, nearly being killed by a dragon notwithstanding. I have talents other than shopkeeping, and they’ve been useful. A lot of the refugees haven’t been as lucky. I’ve been trying to help, as much as I can, even if I’m just a familiar face.”

“As well as keeping up the barrier?” Vax’s voice had an edge to it now, a tone that Gilmore wasn’t entirely unfamiliar with. He had heard it before, attending meetings with Vox Machina and the rest of what could be called the War Council. It was the tone Vax used when he was leading up to expressing how stupid he thought somebody’s actions were, but Gilmore couldn’t understand why the tone was being used right now.

“Yes, of course. Allura has quite enough to be getting on with. I can manage.”

Vax pushed himself up, so he could look Gilmore in the face and said heatedly. “But you didn’t! You didn’t manage, Shaun! What if you had died? You could have died and I would have had no idea about it until I came back from Draconia. You can’t do them both.”

Rationally, Gilmore knew that Vax was reacting out of fear and love, both of which made you do irrational things, but that took a backseat to the fairly obvious hypocrisy that had just been said rather loudly, and he sat up straighter as he responded. “I _can_ do both! I _have_ to do both! The barrier is no good if the refugees it’s protecting lose all hope of life ever resembling what they once had, and the barrier must be maintained by somebody, or we lose this little safe house that was carved out of nothing! I am just doing what I can in this war, just like you and your friends are doing. And speaking of dying, you think what you’re doing is perfectly safe? You’re chasing down half-remembered legends and fighting _dragons_. You could die at any time. Percival already has!”

Gilmore paused, his chest heaving, not for lack of breath but with emotion as he quietly continued. “You do not have a monopoly on fearing for your lover’s life. That feeling you have right now? I feel it every time you leave Whitestone. I felt it for months whilst we were in Emon. I’ve spent the majority of our relationship, both platonic and romantic, fearing for your life.”

The white-hot flash of anger had been just that, a flash, over and done with in an instant, but it had opened the floodgates and now Gilmore found that he couldn’t stop, months of worried thoughts pouring out of him like water through fingers. “You’re an adventurer, that’s who you are and I’d _never_ try to change that, but that means that you are routinely thousands of miles away from me. If you died, I would have no way of knowing that you were gone. I could live in ignorance for months, until one of your friends made their way back and told me.”

As Gilmore’s speech had gone on, Vax’s face had gone through several emotions, but had settled on teary-eyed sadness mixed with a touch of shame as he replied. “You’re right. You’re right, I’m sorry, I should never of… I was so scared, Shaun. Seeing you lying there, and there was nothing I could, nothing _Pike_ could do….”

Gilmore opened his arms and Vax fell into them gratefully. They hugged tightly as Gilmore murmured. “I love you. I love you so much, nearly more than I can put into words. And we live in awful, difficult, frightening times, and that makes us frightened for each other. I understand, darling. But I’m not going to stop what I’m doing any more you’re going to stop what you’re doing.”

Vax pulled back from the hug and kissed him. Gilmore leant into it hungrily, this was the first kiss they had shared since he woke up, the first kiss they had shared since Vax had left for Draconia and it had been too long, far too long since he had felt those warm lips covering his own. That passionate, desperate kiss quickly devolved into making out, the force of the initial connection sending Gilmore onto his back and Vax on top of him.

It was some minutes before Vax pulled away, and Gilmore couldn’t help but chase his mouth a little, his mind not quite registering that Vax was starting to say something, but when he did, he couldn’t help but pay attention. “I’m so proud of you. I want to tell everyone we meet on the road how wonderful you are, how clever, how talented, how _glorious_ you are, and I can’t because it puts you and Whitestone in danger. I can’t lose you, Shaun. I can’t. I thought you were safe here, and it turns out you’re not. It kills me that I can’t protect you, even though I know you don’t need protecting.”

Gilmore smiled a little, reaching for one of Vax’s hands to brush a kiss across the knuckles before he spoke. “Well then, darling, it’s very simple. I won’t die protecting Whitestone and its people, you won’t die going to get this last Vestige, we’ll kill that big, red fucker of a dragon and then we’ll get to live our lives together, and you can tell _everyone_ how glorious I am.”

Vax smiled, his cheeks a little pink. “That sounds lovely. Will you talk about me?”

“There’s a reason all the refugees know your name.” Gilmore replied immediately. “And it’s not because you’re part of Vox Machina.”

Vax’s smile got wider as they settled back into the bed again, this time with Gilmore curled into Vax’s side, enjoying the feeling of fingers in his hair and the gently rising chest beneath his cheek. Vax was humming something, a soft tune that Gilmore vaguely recognised, but didn’t have the energy or inclination to query.

As Gilmore slipped into sleep again, his last thought was how, despite all the fear and worry of the past couple of months, love really did win against every other obstacle thrown at it. He was next to the man he loved, falling asleep in his arms, and that was the greatest victory to be won in this war torn world he was now part of.


End file.
